Most have not, because of the very issues you have raised. My advice here is to a woman who has met one of the “gems” that I introduced to you at the start of this article: one who had a good, long marriage…knows how to love, communicate, commit, work through problems …misses being married…pours himself into [a relationship].
Again, I truly DO love and appreciate hearing from you. What you share here is meaningful to me and also helps inform the thousands of women who are reading these posts.
I am a widow and had my first serious relationship with a widower.
If he makes her happy in countless wonderful ways, I advise that she try to understand that there can be a piece of him that still loves and honors his late wife.
I admit that as a coach who teaches women to date like a grownup, I assumed that it would be taken for granted that it is never okay to stick around and accept bad behavior or be treated like a doormat.
(Yah, I know about the assume thing.) Many of you spoke of excesses: droning on and on, posting on Facebook how much he misses her, baking her birthday cakes every year and hanging her pictures on the wall…absolutely these are all likely deal-breakers.
I advised to have a conversation with him and if he persists…he’s not ready. In the end, my advice is that if a Good Man can give you 95% of himself, but still needs to save 5% for a dead woman with whom he shared decades and probably raised a family, you might be able to give him the gift of letting him remember her fondly…without guilt or shame.
Having a good picker means not only that you learn how to spot and avoid the jerks, but even more importantly, that you don’t miss the really good guys. When a man is in a happy relationship he pours himself into it. We’ve experienced a lot: love, heartbreak, successes, failures – and having lost a spouse is a very real possibility. I have also spent the past 8 years closely observing many women as they dated Ws.
And when it’s gone, he’s left with the kids (maybe) and his job (maybe). So if he knows what he wants and is ready for love again, he takes his search for a new partner seriously – and that’s the gem of dating a widower. But, as with all of those other big life experiences, being widowed isn’t the end of the story. Together they are traveling the world and running marathons. And it’s not like she had to ‘make him’ do it – he loved adding that to his life! Some have remained in great relationships with them (like Karen above).
With this Hallmark holiday upon us, we’re going to address a topic that we have yet to tackle in the over 500 articles we have here on WYG.
As the title of this post suggests, we’re referring to topics related to dating after the death of a spouse or partner. Swirl those together and things can get pretty messy.
(5.5 years for me and 3.5 years for him.) We were together for two years when a major issue arose in his daughter’s life and he found himself missing his wife because he knew she would know just how to handle this issue if she were still alive.