Our entrees were served, and things were about to get very interesting. Well, to be clear: I ate, while Antonio practiced some odd form of hamster bulimia. ” I stabbed his remaining rib-eye with my fork and brought it to my plate without hesitation.
Antonio cut into his steak, took a bite, chomped for few seconds and then stopped suddenly—mid nosh—without swallowing. I watched with eyes wide as my date took four more bites, and consequentially removed FOUR MORE chunks of chewed steak from him mouth, and then moved them to his bread plate. Now, I’ll admit that out of stubbornness I would have swallowed that meat even if it tasted like feet.
“Antonio, clearly there is something wrong with your steak. there is nothing wrong with the steak, it is just a little veiny.” “By veiny, do you mean fatty? By veiny I mean veiny.” “By veiny, do you mean marbleized? It was the easiest double-dog victory in the history of dares.
Let’s call the waiter, we need to send that back.” He looked at me like I was overreacting. ” “No, Danielle, I mean veiny,” he said through clenched teeth, “I just couldn’t swallow those pieces. I made slow work of salting, cutting and chewing the meat.
Of course, I forgot my umbrella and got caught in an afternoon spring shower, thus causing my hair to transform from glossy and bouncy to frizzy and sad. And this drink here,” he motioned to a listing on the menu, “says it has amaro in it.
By the time I walked into the Liberty Hotel to meet my date that evening, I was convinced he was going to turn out to be a serial killer. After 30 minutes of fidgeting, compulsively checking my phone, and flirting with the waiter, Antonio walked into the restaurant. I’m pretty sure that amaro means ‘love’ in Italian…
My parents set me up with unrealistic expectations of romance.
Don’t get me wrong, Vincent and Angela Festino are wonderful genitori.
In the meantime, you just have to take my word for it: my parents’ saga has left me somewhat ill-prepared for the realities of the dating world. ” as if I was on a new diet, learning sign language, or finally watching Parks and Recreation.
While their whirlwind romance not only leaves you feeling warm and gooey inside—come un cornetto con cioccolato—it unfortunately also establishes completely skewed ideas about fate, kindred spirits and l’amore. “It doesn’t sound like you had much in common with this guy anyway. It turns out that online dating is a sort of litmus test these days. In any case, I decided that I wanted what my parents have and was willing to broadcast it online in order to get it.
Not only had I just lost two hours of my life to a man raised by hamsters, but I had a horrible stomach-ache from eating both his meal and mine.